Wizards

Halloween is around the corner. I have seen spooky things everywhere. In a few days I will be going door to door to collect candy in exchange for my protection. Call it extortion, call it a trick. In the end I will get a treat. Chocolate, gummies, fruit flavored sugar treats, treats on sticks, pennies (hey, old man. you sure do suck.)

You can do spells and have a Halloween adventure.
I will see a pirate.

Pirates

One eye patches

Plank

walk it

Boom

My karate,
is not your karate.
When you scream,
that is when I kick.
My belt is black,
like your eye.
There is
mild bruising
on your thigh.
Is my karate
too much for you?

Law

If there is a car in front of you while you are driving, 80% of the time you will be going under the speed limit. You do not have to speed but drive at least the speed limit. It is beyond annoying when you are going 34 mph in a 40.

Sorry

I was on holiday.
Maybe vacation.
Actually, I was in jail.
Okay.
My parents took away my blogging privileges.
That is not right.
Maybe I was lazy.
I forgot how much I love blogging.
Something was missing in my life for weeks.
Four weeks.
It was blogging.

I want to live in a blog cabin.
I saw three little speckled blogs sitting atop a speckled blog.
I ate twenty treats and sweets last night, I am going for a blog.
Can I wear these pants with these blogs?
On the count of three, favorite carnival game. One...two...threee... Blog blog!
When the holiday season is in town I like to drink egg blog.

Right

The summer went by fast, it always does.

Tans are like the smell of farts, they eventually go away.

Football season in the house.

I like playoff baseball, even if the Germans do not qualify.

Look in the mirror and say "poopy, poopy, pee" without laughing.

Orange

Tomorrow I plan on running farther.
Hopefully tonight's business meeting will help further my career.

I am going to dance then have a smoothie.
Smoothies are better than dancing.

Recent power outages have affected my evenings.
Recent power outages have an effect on my evenings.

Letters to Santa

Dear Santa,
I asked for a dog and you gave me nothing.

Love,
Michael Vick

This Year at Camp

Dear friends,
I am recovering nicely after the incident involving a wild hare and a jar of peanut butter. My wounds have healed but my ego is in unstable condition. Times were very tough until I received your package. Ever since I started reading Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man: What Men Really Think About Love, Relationships, Intimacy and, Commitment by Steve Harvey. Each day I act more like a lady and think like a man and each time it land's me the camp director's office. He locks the door and tells me he is showing me the "full camp experience".

Sincerely,
Bill

I Love Camp

Dear Beatrice,
I finally was able to shower with the other children.

Love always,
Gus

Camp Time

Dear mom,
They have been serving green poopy soup and I miss your cooking although you cannot cook well.

Love,
Minnie

Camp Camp!

Hey guys,
Not that it's a surprise but I won the biggest head competition for the fourth straight year. Camp is amazing!

Love,
Barry Bonds

Summer Camping

Dear Charlie,
You were right, all those squats got me ready for co-ed basketball. Made a couple of friendship bracelets for you. When you get this I'll be on my way home. Camp was great but let's "live it up" (that's a phrase i learned from a kid from new york city!!!) when i get back. Summer is almost over but camp was "the bomb" (i gotta teach you the "slang" i learned at camp). I did magic at a campfire. TTYL

See you soon,
Merlin

Summer Camper

Dear cousin Larry,
Just saw a mambo (snake)! I am currently scared. Send supplies soon. 325 friendship road, hineyberg, pa. bunk 7! bunk 7! i hear footsteps. gotta go
Always,
Wanda

Summer Camp

Dear Mom and Dad,

I have been at camp for nearly three weeks now. Just got out of arts and crafts....AWESOME. I made you a mug out of clay and a silly face using popsicle sticks. My tummy hurts! I had to eat 19 ice pops to make my crafts. I hope you like it. I must say it is better than your parenting skills! Though I miss you guys, I do not miss the swinger parties you've been having after I go to sleep.

Sincere with love,
Mikey Mc'Muffin

Humans

Humans and their cats.
Humans driving cars.
Humans and chickpeas make hummus.
Humans!

How

Underrated

Man is

At

Navigating the

Seas

Set sail for gold, spices or silver.

Boats rock. (eat pun)

Time To Take Some Callers

Watermelon...
Griff from Belmar on the phone: "That stuff is sweet and red".


Thank you, Griff. That was an awesome comment.

It Saddens Me...

It saddens me that Debra Messing does not get the credit she deserves. I do not care about her acting skill but that face could melt an iceberg. Which brings me to my theory that the lack of respect towards Debra Messing caused the Titanic to sink.

Which brings me to this...if you do not hear a beautiful flute sound every time you think of the Titanic, you are heartless. You are worse than heartless, you have disrespected Celine Dion. Although she did not write the theme song to the movie Titanic, it is not nice to be mean to her.

Wonderful Things

You would be surprised if you saw my face. I look exactly like Jimmy Buffet's wife.

Beloved

Dearly beloved,
we are gathered together
on the Internet
because face to face communication
scares humans.

Most dating should be done in chat rooms with parental supervision...regardless of your age.

Do not bring that dirt into my chat room, my chat room is where cyber playas go to find love but only if the waves are tame at the playa.

Leave your speedos and butt stringers at home, trust me, my mental picture of your butt is probably more flattering than the real thing.

Always and forever,
the little man behind the screen.

Please do not feed the animals they have been naughty and need to be punished.

Soup

What more can I say?

Hello August

The sun sat brightly
I felt small jumps of wind
The mercury got up to 88
Later if will fall to 66
Degrees
and Kelvin
But we do not do Kelvin
Ourselves
is who we are
Peoples
of
the world
One nation
Under Sun
Here is the new order

Sink

the jumper.
and dishes.
water.

Thoughts

When playing a pickup game of basketball, do not be that guy with his shirt off. Nobody wants to touch your gross, sweaty naked skin.

Nobody is impressed with the number of beers you drank last night. Little boys count, gentleman enjoy.


Ladies with revealing shirts and little shorts: do not pretend to offended when you get stared at, be lucid with your intentions and realize you want the attention.

I am not a fan of MLB player Alex Rodriguez. I do not know what it is but I dislike him. Although, I more or less hate him, let it be known he is easily the greatest shortstop to play the game. I guess this is a note to fans- just because you hate a guy or do not like a team you still need to recognize great players and teams.

Cars

If you notice that you are braking through a green light, ask yourself why you are doing that.

When making a turn there is no reason to belly out the oppisite way before turning. You will hit a car if there is one next to you.

If you come flying to a stop sign and slam on your brakes, do not be surprised if you get beeped at.

Ramble

I have all these thoughts
like bubbles
popped in the air
away from any sky

Candy

Do not eat too much candy.

Random Thoughts

I got this scruffy beard and I am starting to look like a bum. My car got fixed and that makes me smile. Babies are being born around the world and I find that beautiful. Where I work there is a big population of stray cats. The lady across the street feeds them, I wish she would stop because now they are multiplying much like the chills John Travolta's character is Grease experienced.

Little ladies become women.

My hair is wild.

Hair

flowing in the world

Wind

sinking in the water

Fish

swimming

Swimmers

singing

Nice

voices

Loud

voices

Difficult

problems

Kittens

perfect

Purr

pep

I...

I think cake is awesome.

Do you want more watermelon, Sally? (She never does.)

Hamburger Cakes

I think tigers are fierce.

Birds flying into windows...thank goodness nobody got hurt.

The elderly at the grocery store...they are merciless.

Super Mario

The guy from the video game. He is the best athlete of all time. His endurance is undeniable, he never takes a rest. He can jump high, run fast and stop immediately even if he is running full speed. He can carry animals, shells, blocks and other crazy stuff. He is cerebral an athlete you will ever see. Mario can swim fast and swim long. He has tamed dinosaurs and is a skilled plumber.

Remember...

When solving problems...go outside the box...that way nobody gets pregnant.

But Everybody is Doing it!!!

It being talking about Lebron James. Before I dish (the rock) (to) about James, let us get to know him a little better.

Lebron James stands at 6 feet 8 inches, which is very, very tall. For his career he has averaged 27.8 points per game, 7 rebounds and 7 assists per game. Very nice stats. Though I am not the biggest Lebron fan (I am more of a Kobe guy) there is no denying his talent and ascension into greatness.

Many have said his legacy is ruined, that he gutless and only cares about himself. Okay? So, what?

Regardless that he is on a national, even worldwide scale, his decision is his decision. He owes Cleveland nothing, he does not owe anybody anything for the most part (unless he lost some bets). Leaving Cleveland was by no means an easy decision. Think of how tough it would be if you were 25 years old and had the whole world watching and analyzing your decision. What is easy about that?

His legacy is ruined? How? He can potentially be the greatest player on the greatest team ever and nobody can take that away from him (if that does happen). Perhaps going to the Miami Heat (along with superstars Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh) will be a flop but that does not matter right now or may not ever matter.

Bottom line...the man is free to decide whatever he wants, if he went to your team with two other amazing players, I am sure you would be thrilled. Is it bad for the NBA? Maybe, maybe not, but who cares? I know I will be watching every Heat game next season.

Analysis, criticism and banter means nothing because until something happens,(either Lebron winning many championships or failing) all that talk is nothing but progress and when something happens is over progress becomes invisible. Let the man play, enjoy the showcase he will provide and wait to see what happens.

Hello

Car troubles have made me call out of work two days since Friday, what a bummer. I have to burn a couple sick days.


If the light is turning yellow and you are going straight and a person on the other side is turning left, the right thing to do is to wait at the light and let the left turner turn. It is polite and can reduce the possibility of an accident.

None of that implies if you have a pregnant woman (or man) or a person that needs medical attention in the car but use caution.

Twin

Twin
Twin Cities
Minnesota
Kirby Puckett
Center fielder
Field
Field of Dreams
Nightmares
Mares
Horses
Hoarse
Sore throat
Sore knee
Sore arm
Sworn in
In a jam
Jelly
Marmalade
Orange
Red
Danger
Danger zone
Zoning laws
Lawman
Cop
Police
Safety
Safety Zone
Construction Zone
Buildings
Architecture
Blueprints
Paw prints
Footprints
Two feet
Twin(s)

This Just In

Sometimes, it feels good to scream. To scream into nothingness, at the top of one or both lungs, let it out. It is primal. It is natural.

Be(e) nice to bees. They won't bother you for the most part.

Horseflies have a nasty sting, they have sharp fangs. Ouch.

There was a spider in my car the other day! His name was Kevin. I decided to let him hangout. I do not condone killing little spiders, they eat the bugs. But, little Kevin left me a big web in my car the next morning. I finally found him and politely escorted him back to nature. I wonder if that web was a sign of love. Love between humans and spiders. Love for the universe.

I honestly believe that I could snap a coyotes neck, maybe even a cougar (the animal variety, not the well-aged lady). I would only do that if the situation fell under my umbrella of coyote/cougar killing reasons. Reasons: If the animal is rabid or putting a loved one or myself in danger. I think it goes with out saying that I would first punch it in the face to see if it backs off.

Sometimes, the manliest thing is the least manly. It is good to be domesticated, to be organized, to be neat, to be sensitive, to be sweet and to be awesome.

Awesome is not a state of mind but a state of action.

If You Have Not...

If you haven't heard....it is summer, summer, summer. Take the time to enjoy the sun (and even the moon). Take some time to enjoy yourself and others. Learn a new skill.

It's fun to teach yourself things.

This summer I am learning two things.
1. To play soccer. It is good exercise and if you don't like running it's a good choice for you because you won't even notice that you're running.

2. How to throw a knuckleball. Why? Because it's different and I feel like it!


I encourage all of you to learn something new while in the outdoors.

Peace, love and burgers.

The Corner Beat Town 5

The fourth of July is approaching and that reminds of one of the more memorable ones I have been apart of. I remember down at the bar, a couple of young broads walked in the place. One orders a cranberry and vodka while the other gets some sort of margarita (you're actually supposed to stir them, not shake them...sorry Mr. Bond). (Even though you may have taken 'roids, Mr. Bonds, I always thought you were a great player.)
Anyways, these two ladies take a seat somewhere in the corner, under the new flat screen (new at the time) and sip on the adult drinks. The one with the vodka looked like Cameron Diaz and Albert Einstein had a baby. I'm talking flowing blond hair wiggling all over the place, crooked glasses but in all due respect, that girl had some kind of backside, so good that Bode Miller would forgo his morning drinks to ski down it. The other one, with the margarita, had wild dark hair, a slender build and a look on her face that said "you can talk to me but it isn't going anywhere you want". Not that she was a be-eye-tee-see-ache, but you know the type, pretty and tired of tired lines. The other girl wasn't bad herself, she had a more friendly glow to her but the type that might scorch you if you touch her the wrong way. I think it goes without saying that these weren't the type of girls that you go up to and spit the random, fraternity, bullfrog jive.
Stuff like that will stop most men, but not our plucky bartender Drake "Bull Frog" (I am sure you can figure out how he got his nickname) Fernandez. This cat goes up to the sexier of the two (he was not on shift that night) spits some bullfrog garbage about how he plays pro-baseball (surprisingly, that line worked a lot for him) and drops the simple line of "can I buy you a drink?". Subtle but lame, I suppose. Home girl looks at him, stoically, and coolly sways her head to the left as to say "you should probably leave, buddy" and goes back to the business she was attending.
Defeated and limp, Bullfrog Fernandez walks away with a spunkless gait and mumbles "so cold" to a decibel level to which he believed was audible only to himself. He was wrong, and the black hair girl, lioness in motion, creeps up behind, taps him on the left delt and as he looks, she finishes her drink and throws the icy remnants in his face and says "Who's cold now, (insert clever explicit). Me and the crew at the bar just broke up about the place. It actually turned into a game called the "Bullfrog freeze" in which a person would sneak up another person and throw ice at their face.

The Last..

The last thing I said: No ants in my pants, just poopies.



Is it that difficult to put your blinker (turn signal) on?

If you put your blinker on in the midst of turning, well, it defeats the purpose.

If you throw a spear in the ocean, well, it defeats the porpoise.

Words

I am going to a carnival I will see...
1. Hoop games
2. Sugary treats
3. Rides that look they do not make state regulations
4. Sweet lemon drink
5. Sweet orange drink
6. Awe, heck yeah, popcorn!
7.Cotton candy!
8. Prizes!
9. Children having fun
10. Ladies discussing the news

I would like to go to the boardwalk

The ride will take two hours

Fill up the car with gas

Make a sweet mix tape

Skin protecting cream is a must

Parking can be tough

Traffic can be tougher

Turn up the volume, I like this song

How close are we?

Almost there

Ladies in swimsuits

Awome gift shop

A clever t-shirt

A must-wear

Right now

Awesome guy

In the trendy beach sweatshirt

What a day

Did you eat dinner?

Sausage and peppers, ice cream cone, big man soda

I am stuffed

Good thing I didn't burn

I love the game with the darts and balloons

Five prizes to bring home

Oh bummer

Time to go home

What a fun day at the beach!

Try These...

I, for one, am so tired of cliches and overly used sayings.
Some examples...skating on thin ice, thrown under the bus, and that is all I can think off the top of my head (yes, I just used a cliche, what, what!).

Try out some of these new sayings that me and my colleagues have been working on...

Let's tackle that horse when we get to it.

There are two sides to every pony.

Do not be hostile or your potato will be mashed.

Oooops!

Today, as I was partly inspired by the World Cup, partly by fitness and partly by new things, I played soccer. I found out the hard way that I am able to put some curve on the ball. Boom!, what looked like a straight shot went dead right and shattered a living room window of my house! I was about 20 feet away but somehow, someway (Snoop Dogg, what what!) got some shards stuck in my hand. Was it a powerful kick or an old window?


Other acts of wreckage....
In 2003, while riding a lawnmower of the ride-on variety, I found myself stuck in a mud pit for three hours.

In the 6th grade, while getting ready for baseball, I threw a wild pitch right through the glass protection of the gas meter!

For some reason, a few months ago, I flipped a chair over in my room, then it bounced on my bed and then through the wall.

Back in 2007, while in college, I thought it would be funny to put a firecracker in the toilette. The toilette was never the same afterwards. Those things do not work well with a hole in the bottom.

In 2004 I tried to jump over some bushes, the try was a fail and I landed headfirst on the concrete. I awoke to find strangle men strapping me to a wooden board and driving me away.

What Day is Today?

Today is Father's Day! (Full House reference!)

I do believe this day is a gimmick, to an extent, for companies to make extra dollars, almost like a scam.

I do believe we should take time to celebrate fathers, or father figures.

As a rebuttal to my gimmick statement, the first Daddy's Day was believed to be celebrated in 1910 as a compliment to Mother's Day. Times were different then and it was probably not a day intended for businesses to money grub.

Father's Day really is not a scam, it is a nice excuse to go to ball game, have an extra beer and get fries with that hot dog/hamburger!

Gift Ideas (you should have gotten your gift already!)

1. Necktie- classic gift

2. Beer- well, duh!

3. Grill Accessories- You can't spell grill without "Hey dad, I love it when you grill".

We Say Hey

Hello. Hey. Hi.

To me, "cya" does not make sense. C-ya makes sense. Long live the hyphen.

Do not confuse a hyphen with a dash.

I love the hyphen.

It keeps me fighting.

Grammar and grandmas,

yes and nah.

Throw out the trash,

100 meters for a dash.

Women or men,

both love the hyphen.

Is There Something Funny?

Herpetology- No, it is not the study of cold sores or sores in general! Herpetology is a branch of zoology that studies amphibians and reptiles.

Antonio Bastardo- A professional baseball player who pitches for the Philadelphia Phillies (as of June 13, 2010).

Nick Toon- A college wide reciever who plays for the Wisconsin Badgers (as of June 13, 2010).

Nicktoons- Animated children cartoons on the Nickelodeon television network.

Hey!

Why, when calling somebody back from a missed call, do we always say "did you just call me"? Sure, sometimes pants and butts make calls, but that does not happen all that much.

Dear pedestrian,
There is no need to thank me when I stop at a crosswalk for you. I am simply following the law. It is nice of you to thank a person but at times I feel we give too much credit away for doing what is right/expected.
Sincerely,
Driver


Pants
Shirts
Shoes
Socks

Do...Do Not...Doodoo

Do not be embarrassed if you are male and enjoy watching The View.
Do try to do something nice everyday (holding the door for somebody counts).

If you see trash on the ground, pick it up (Mother Nature will notice and boy, that lady is smoking!).

If you are unsure, question everything, we all have the right to be informed.

Do not give police officers attitude, all that does is give them more reason to ticket you.

Do not go to the tanning salon...it is awful for your health and that orange look is ridiculous.

If you have to go, just go. It does not matter where you are. Everybody makes poop.

If you see somebody being beat up, or robbed, do something! You do not have to jump in and act like a vigilante, you can just call 911.

Alexander Hamilton was not a president.

Kalamata is a region in Greece, it is most noted for its production of olives and olive oil.

Driving...

When you are in the left lane(the fast lane) on a highway and somebody behind you flashes their brights, it means please speed up, or get out of the lane so I can legally pass you. It really is a polite way to get your point across. Passing a car illegally is dangerous and (wait for it..) illegal.
On the other hand, if the driver holds their brights on you, well, they are acting like a jerk. But if the lights are flashed briefly, please speed up or get out of the way. Do not slow down and brake check the driver and do not wait for the driver to get in front of you and hold your brights on them! Flashed brights is a polite signal.

Fairness

I made a comment about the oil spill in the Gulf and said there was a lack of progress. There is progress being made and BP is doing all they can. I do believe that nobody wants the oil spill to be over more than BP does. The reasons they have may not be as "genuine" as your average working class person. For more coverage on this go to www.cnn.com or any news site for that matter.

Raps, Rhymes and Love?

You can eat a pear but you need two for a pair.


The oil spill in the Gulf is a royal disaster and the lack of progress is beginning to roil me.

I wrote down the answers, though I could not explain them well because I knew them only by rote.

Put your clock back in your plants.

L.A

I'm number one,

call me Kobe.

Being at the top,

it gets lonely.

Step back,

take the three.

Got guns in my locker,

I'm an original G.

I got swagger,

I'll take a chance,

better received than The Legend of Bagger Vance.

No golf here,

hitting shots from the upper tier.

Nose bleed seats,

still $45.99,

that's not cheap.

My foot on bodies,

top of the heap.

Laced with the golden gene,

pointing a knife at your wife,

call me Charlie Sheen.

I'm Calling It...

The next new law that will cause some buzz is going to be a law against cyclists (bike riders) from riding and using their cell phone (at the same time!) . I predict within the next three years this law will be widespread. Apparently, California is trying to pass a law like this. (Check it out at www.leginfo.ca.gov/pub/09-10/bill/sen/sb_1451-1500/sb_1475_bill_20100219_introduced.html
A few days ago I almost hit a bike rider because he swerved in the middle of the road. He was texting and on a main road. I am all for sharing the road but deep inside (more like on the surface) I wanted to hit that guy with my car. Bike ride on that, buddy!
On another note, cycling is a great form of exercise. I encourage anybody to do it, maybe even use it instead of your car when practical. Make sure you pay attention to cars and they will pay attention to you, that way there will be no problem!

Well Well Well...

Well water
Watering hole
Hole in one
One time
Tea time
Tee time
Timely
General Lee
Generally
Generally speaking
Speaking English
English muffin
Ear muffs
Ear infection
Infectious laughter
Laugh out loud
Out of sugar
Brown sugar
Brown headed cowbird
Larry Bird
Draining threes
Water drain
Well water

Some Things

In the age of technology everything is changing. Hopefully, treats and snacks will be the same. I would frown if I found myself eating an e-clair (electronic clair).

I bet there is an electronic Claire, though. Probably some young lady from Nebraska with a private web-cam.

I like pizza and french fries.

Lucy is a dog I love.

Sometimes it is fun to jump up and down and count out very loudly.

When a dog barks, do not be rude, bark back.

The tree told me to give the bark back.

Back when Charles Barkley played for the 76ers he scored a lot of points.

Do not let the points add up on your driving record.

Vinyl records have no place in the car.

Car care is important.

So is health.

Things I Enjoy...

Running fast- moving fast puts a smile on my face!
Apples- there are so many different types and they taste fantastic!
People falling off bikes- as long as nobody gets hurt!
People walking into screen doors- it gets funnier each time!
Women who run while pushing baby carriages- That is just economical!
Doggies- best friend anyone?
Science- it explains everything (well, most everything)!
Basketball- fast paced and artistic.
Mullets- yes, i am laughing at you.
Lemon Meringue Pie- how can something so sour be so sweet?
Woodcock-Johnson (cognitive ability test)- they are, in fact, long and hard.
Liam Neeson- Go see Taken and you'll understand!
Reality Television- tv at its simplest and most dumbed down form.
Russian Roulette with a Nerf Gun- it even sounds fun!
Jennifer Aniston- a wonderful woman.
Water Balloons- so much fun to throw that they make me wet.

The Truth...

The truth about things that have to do with health...

Reduced fat, more times than none, typically means added sugar.


Reduced fat peanut butter usually has the same type of sugar that cake icing uses. Go for natural peanut butter.


Seriously, when buying health food, take a look at the sugar content. For example, many "diet" yogurts have over 20 grams of sugar. It is almost like having a candy bar.

Pork rinds are a good, guilt-free snack (just don't eat the whole package). They have no carbohydrates and are fairly high in protein.

Easy Tips

Take the stairs instead of an elevator or escalator.

Park a few spaces farther than you normally would.

Put that soda down and have a water.

Stand more.

Use less salt.

Cook with a little bit of lemon juice or vinegar (it brings out the salt flavors so you can use less salt).

Spare time? Drop down and do some push ups every once and a while.

Caution...

Use caution when handling frozen chicken, it can and will slip out of your hands and hit you in the face. I am living (typing) proof.

Use less caution when around banana peels, you will not slip.

Use caution when around stinky odor, once you smell it you will most likely be tempted to smell it again and perhaps once more.

Oh Me Goodness!!!

I totally thought I was watching lesbian porn, turns out it was a Justin Bieber video.

I thought about it...

and you could successfully slay a vampire with an ice cream cone. Next time you hold one, think about it, and you'll understand.

Hear Me Out

How many times have your parents made you turn the TV off because they thought the program was inappropriate?

Or how many times have you been denied the viewing of an "R" rated/adult content movie?

The solution...books! Books have everything you can imagine. All the good stuff parents won't let the kids watch. Trust me, no parent will ever take a novel away from you or anybody for that matter. Below is a list of authors/books that if they were a movie or TV show would be a no-no to parents. They're even educational and can add extra brain power! The books listed below would be rated "R" if they were movies (some actually are movies) but are jammed with education.


Chuck Palaniuk- read Fight Club, Diary, Invisible Monsters, or Choke.

Jack Kerouac- The Dharma Bums. Two men go on a mountain climb and along the way drink some whine and meet some ladies (more like one lady).

Tom Wolfe- I Am Charlotte Simmons. A book about a young girl, a basketball player, a nerd and a fraternity college guy.


That is just a few, more to follow.

Read this!

I found an interesting article in the world of science. The article (posted on www.sciencenews.org) Grown Men Swap Bodies With Virtual Girl, written by Bruce Bower, states " Virtual reality can get downright unreal. In the simulated realm, grown men given a new perspective on the world suddenly find themselves convinced that they inhabit the body of a young girl".

The link to the article is www.sciencenews.org/view/generic/id/59143/title/Grown_men_swap_bodies_with_virtual_girl


Enjoy!

The Corner Beat Town 4

Charlie the Frenchman was more than the manager of the bar. He was the owner. He was more than the owner, he was our friend and maybe a father figure. Charlie lived in France until he was about 17 or 18, took a plane to the You Es of Ay (U.S.A ((United States of America)) and opened up a bar when he was in his early 20s. He even named the bar himself. I suppose it is time to tell everyone the name of the bar. The bar's name was and is "Marla's Pints" (commonly called Marla's).
For years we assumed Marla was a woman he loved, maybe the bar name was a play on Marla's pants. Assuming is not a good idea. Marla turned out to be his beloved childhood dog. If you know Charlie then you know that makes sense.
In honour of Charlie, and in honor of my courage, I braved the mic one night.

Hey, Charles

Serve me up,

always on time.

We don't play cards but you know my kind.

Cut to the front,

forget the line.

You know me well,

giving me drinks from the well.

Never liked the French,

but man, you're swell!

There was a reason I stayed behind the bar and not behind the mic. We all had a good laugh after that one but the open mic is for the real poets.

It Might Seem The Same

It might seem the same or even sound the same but it is not!

Mannequin-a form representing the human body, used commonly to display clothing

Mannikin, Manikin- a man of small stature




Infer- to derive a conclusion from facts or premises

Imply- to express or state indirectly




Heart- I am confident that we do not need a definition for that one! Regardless, the heart is an organ. No further explanation is required.

Hart- a male deer

For thought...

I wonder how many homophobic men are into lesbian porn...
I wonder how many of them are smart enough to see the irony...
I wonder how many meals out I have eaten that contained spit or other bodily fluids...
I wonder the amount of people who visit the hospital each year because they have been hit in the face with a kielbasa (kielbasa is a European type sausage)...
I wonder how many people prefer Kel over Kenan?

The Corner Beat Town 3

The following poem was written by Calvin Bridges. He was a one time bartender at the bar (I forgot to mention the bar's name, silly me!) then eventually got some sort of management job but always came back for the open mic.

Water Walk

Like Julius Ceasar with that fresh, new haircut,

you could rule the world with that fresh, new haircut.

Bodies as grass on the fresh, new ground,

don't cover your ears you might like this new sound.

The nation was lost but now it's breathing,

whips put away, now start the reaping.

How were you sleeping in the fresh, new prison?

Living your life based on sadism?

Two-thousand plus is the real beginning,

here is a tune for all the singing,

keep dancing forward,

the world will forget out sinning.

Calvin performed that in early June of 2007. He is best remembered for stacking a hundred beer glasses in a pyramid fashion. He is worst remembered for having a few late night drinks afterwards and running through the pyramid. 27 stitches later, and many new beer glasses later, Calvin vowed to never do that again. Which is why the next time he switched to margarita glasses. In his honour (yes, he is Canadian!) here are a couple more of his works.

Finder

We're all the same

searching for an easy gain.

We're all the same

getting wet with a touch of rain.

We're all the same

except some swim down the sewer lines.

We're all the same

then there's me.

Quietly 23.

We're all the same,

there's me.

If I make it passed 27

I'll know I never was a legend.

If I make it all the way

I'll never know who I was.

All I know is who I am and we're all the same.

Untitled

I've got a D...

for diligence,

and an eye for ignorance.

With 2 feet to take a stance,

challenge everything,

question everyone,

pester only some.

Take the choice to be serious,

are we Pranksters or Learyists?

Get off the bus,

Get on the bus,

Who here is serious?

The Corner Beat Town 2

As promised, here is some original work from an old friend of mine...

On the Third Day

Little girl smiling in the corner,

hey, I've got an idea is what I say to her.

We can ditch these times,

cross the world until we find

memories corralled in time.

Take a knife to etch the stones,

something vibrant to call mine,

something pretty to call your own.

We can keep running until we're grown,

cutting kings and slashing thrones.

Making jokes out of the jester,

burn the queen,

and let the body fester.

Day and days,

the knights will fall to our daze.

Dance little sweetbird,

start the craze.

Dance little sweetbird

This was written by Geoff Hardy in which he performed in July of 2008. When Geoff isn't busy raising his two sons, he can be found sculpting and writing at his home few miles outside of San Diego.

Random!

Below is a list of the 8 most influential albums of my life in retrospect (in no paticular order).

1. Blink182- Dude Ranch
2. Alanis Morissette- Jagged Little Pill
3. Sublime- Sublime
4. Goo Goo Dolls- A Boy Named Goo
5. The Wallflowers- Bringing Down the Horse
6. The Notorious B.I.G- Ready to Die
7. Pink Floyd- A Collection of Great Dance Songs
8. Reel Big Fish- Turn the Radio Off



I encourage all of you to make a list as well. Once it is complete go back to it and think of why the album is important and what it makes you think of.

The Corner Beat Town 1

There was a time where each summer I would take a big bird to the west coast for some unwinding and grinding. Down in the Palo Alto part of Cali, I would bus at a local bar, occasionally tend bar and stay for the open mic nights, which were held every Thursday though Sunday after 11pm. Those were the days, swabbing floors and cleaning tables for Charlie the Frenchman (the manager). Along the way I met some talented, interesting people. Haven't been there in a fair amount of time but I still keep in touch with those beat poets and told them I will post some of there stuff on this blog. Enjoy, more to follow but I hope this one will suffice for today.

Part of the Night

Single light city streets.

Walking, no shoes,

just me and my feets.

Over to my bar, ready for the greets.

Order the usual drink,

please no sugar, bartender your sweet.

I know these faces,

know these parts,

friendly eye shake and you've got my hearts.

Tick-tock tanker,

story for the week,

here are my secrets,

please no leak.

Yes, sir, no,

Guess we all have to leave,

but thanks for the time...

until the next time.

Written by Dee Ferris (7-22-07)

Why?

Why?!?!?!

Why is it that underage kids have to pay adult prices at the movies but cannot get into "R" rated movies? Ironically, anybody can virtually (eat puns!) get onto any website, and those with restrictions only require you to click a box that claims you are 18 or older.

Why did the NBA change the playoff format so that round one is best-of-7 series?

Why did Chris Webber call that timeout during the 1993 NCAA Men's Division I Basketball Championship?

Why did Carlos Beltran stare at strike three in the 2006 NLCS? (The NLCS is the national league championship series for Major League Baseball.)

Why does anybody let their young children sit on the lap of a stranger? I do not care that you paid $12.99, waited on line for an hour and waited another hour to find mall parking. Despite the red suit, there is nothing avuncular about it!

Why did Wesley Snipes stop doing mostly comedy?

Today We Honour

No, we do not honor the Canadians (although I think of them fondly), rather we honor the name Dustin and all those named Dustin.

Dustin- The name Dustin means "brave warrior" and may have had an increase in popularity becuase of actor Dustin Hoffman. The name Dustin can also be spelled Duston, Dustyn, Dustan or Dusten.


Now for a poem!

D-ragons make me scared,
U-nderneath my bed,
S-taring at my head.
T-witching their firey eyes,
I-nducing my loud cries, leaving my courage without a grin,
N-ow we must be saved by a guy named Dustin!

Wise Words

Today's Wisdom- "Be like Bird". Larry Bird that is. Larry Bird was a great American basketball player. Bird did not play for himself, he played for his team and teammates. We should live our lives like that. Let us not do things solely for ourselves but also for the benefit of others and our surroundings. Not only will you help make said others and surroundings better but also yourself. On the courts, make the extra pass and in like make the extra effort. Good luck and thank you!

Rules...

For every man- Every man, regardless of anything, should know how to tie a tie. A nice tie, nicely tied is like a piece of your manhood. Once you have that skill down then you can let it hang low, low, low, low.


For every woman- Do your thing, girl, because we (men) like the way you (you) do it.

Today as I Saw It

On the news today (ABC news for the sake of details) stated that the most popular baby name for boys, once again, is Jacob. For its honor I have prepared poem off the top my head. Since it is off the top of my head it can only be titled one thing....

Hair

J-ust for another year,

A-ny other would'nt do,

C-arrying the torch so well,

O-vations for your reign,

B-aby, Jacob is your name!

Are you nervous?

Are you nervous as my cyberhands travels through cyberspace?

When you fart in a car it will be traced back to you...guaranteed!

Consider yourself uninvited if you step on dog poopies before entering somebody's house.

Something to notice...

Next time when out on the road take into notice the sex of the other drivers on the road. It seems to my eyes that more women drive in the day than at night. The number of male drivers may be the same at both day and night. Seriously, take notice and see if you agree.

Put Your Damn Hands Up

It has been a life long dream of mine to be a rapper. I even have a rap name...J.R Pane. Obviously, I am bringing the Pane. No, not a window pane but bone chilling pain. Enjoy one of my most popular raps.

The rap that is posted below was written on a cold winter day in the Toronto area of Canada. It was right before my old pal Harkaway Hal was going to have a show. He knew I rapped a little bit and needed an opening act so I rapped this little diddy which became a big hit amongst the Canadian rap lovers...

Rap Title

Holes in my head like Kennedy

Dripping red you'd think I was grenadine

Lemon lime makes me full

Mix em both, call it Shirley Temple

Down the greens

Melting face, I got the screams

Shooting bullets like Magic

I can shoot the three

So positively, you'd think I got HIV

No box of pills

Medicare expensive type of thrills

No, I can't swim

But you don't wanna know where I been

It is the best for us

Harkaway Hal, be a pal and take away the chorus...

That was my intro to Hal, needless to say it got the crowd going. I have not seen Hal since then nor do I know how his career went but friends are friends forever.

All the memories...

Do you feel nervous for no reason when driving with a cop behind you?

Irony...

In New Jersey, and most states for that matter, it is illegal to talk on a cell phone while driving. I get the law, it makes sense. We have all talked on our phone while driving and have zoned out to an extent or something like that. Yeah, we get it. Well, at my place of work (where we have to drive the company van at times) we have been given a van phone. A van phone?! If I get pulled over and fined while using the phone do you think the company will pay my ticket? I doubt it. The system tries to make things easier but it only puts us in danger.

Greetings From Interspace

Total Honesty

To be totally honest I have never like my first name. (My first name is Jonathan). I always preferred to be called the shortened version of the name. Perhaps I should rethink that! The name Jon (though spelled with an H in it, which does not matter since it sounds the same when spoken!) means either a toilette or a customer of a hooker. Perhaps I should rescind my years of loathing towards my first name and accept it in its entirety.

In honor of my name here is a little list of famous people who share(d) my name...

Jonathan Taylor Thomas- Who could forget little Randy on the sitcom Home Improvement

Jonathan Swift- an Irish poet/writer born in 1667. He is best known for writing Gulliver's Travels

Jonathan Freeman- He was the voice of Jafar in Disney's Aladdin

Today We Mourn

On this day in 1481 the world said goodbye to Mehmed II, former sultan of the former Ottoman Empire. It is suggested he died from being poisoned by his own son. The lesson: maybe let the kids join in some good, old time conquests!

Morning Questions and Thoughts and General Love

Every time you use the bathroom do you look behind the shower curtain first?

How successfully could you slay a vampire with an ice cream cone?



I am not sure when this is from but I came across some "poetry" I wrote...enjoy.

Poem One

Come catch the bus, jumper

13 school

9 commercial

Poem Two

I've been rehabbing slightly on the dog river

Bone beggars,

pack travellers

Here, me

The only one on my party line

Jazz club whiteheads,

nodding for a place at the party table.

Ding dong dog,

there's a puppy at the door

Have you ever...

Have you ever...
Played rock, paper, scissor in the mirror? It is a tie every time! Do not even think about cheating because the man in the mirror will rebuttle with your rock or paper or scissor.

The Last....

The last sign I wrote read "Do not use kitchen utensils to kill bugs. That is gross."

Hello Friends

One day we will all be friends....

Total Honesty

To be totally honest the news really burns my soul. According to the news, more specifically http://www.abcnews.com/, Kim Cattral has gained 15 pounds and it is important that we the people are aware. Nowhere does it mention a recent study suggesting that 5 minutes of physical activity in an outdoor, green area will benefit mental health.

According to Dr. Jo Barton and Professor Jules Pretty, physical activity in a nature setting will decrease risk for mental illness and promote well-being senses. Only 5 minutes!

Don't you think that in a society where we live fast, eat fast and are always in a hurry that news like that should be, well, news?

Today We Mourn

On this day we say goodbye to Leonardo da Vinci for the 491st time. For those against the practice of math, 491 years ago it was 1519.

Today We Celebrate

Today marks the 74th birthday of international pop singer Engelbert Humperdinck! He was born to the unfortunate name of Arnold George Dorsey but eventually smartened up when he renamed himself Humperdinck (after the famouse German composer of course!). Interestingly, in 1967, Humperdinck's version of "Release Me" was number one on Britian's pop music chart ahead of the Beatle's "Strawberry Field's Forever".

Did You Know?

"Release Me" was originally produce in 1946 by Eddie Miller, Robert Yount and Dub Williams.